She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
