yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
