i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
