You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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