you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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