you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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