Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
The adults are the big ones right?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
