When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
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