My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
