your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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