you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.