my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
