I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
