im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
My Sexting was not on an AP level
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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