i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Randomize
