I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
