i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
