if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
