I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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