dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
