the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
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