Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
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