You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
