I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Randomize
