The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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