Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
