Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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