Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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