Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
