I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Can vaginas get frostbite?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
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