I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
