someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
