I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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