wrigley field is MILF paradise
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
