Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Randomize
