and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
My penis needs a shock collar
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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