My underwear smells like fireworks.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
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