i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
