I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
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MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
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Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.