he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.