Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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