I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
