i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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