two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Randomize
