Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
