Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Randomize
