You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
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