Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
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