Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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