Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
