Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Randomize
