Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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