How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
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