the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
