i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I can't turn off my feet"
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Randomize
