I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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