You just made me feel so damn special
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
