I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
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