I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
